Ginny Davis: Resolve to Perform
00:16 22 December 2011
Resolve to Perform
Ginny Davis promises to tread the boards more carefully in her one-woman shows in 2012.
New Years resolutions are like diets. You keep them for a week and then settle back into the comfort of your former ways. As a performer though, I strive to learn from my mistakes and resolve what to do in order to avoid future bloomers. Here, therefore, is my list of resolutions for my 2012 shows.
1. When typing cues for your lighting technician do not type them in the same colour as his lamp bulb, thus rendering them invisible in the dark.
2. Before using the lavatory, remove the microphone transmitter from the rear pocket of your jeans in order that it does not come out and fall in during pre-performance visit to ladies. If it does, do not run it under the tap.
3. Remember to ask the event organiser not to place raffle prizes on stage. You neither want unexplained bottles on wine on your set nor your own props to be won during the interval.
4. Eat nothing just before a show that causes wind.
5. Check that heavy objects in the dressing room are fixed to the wall before leaning your head against them. Concussion, however mild, is an unwelcome condition for a performer.
6. Ditto drunkenness, so dont drink real wine during the show, nor beforehand, nor in the interval. Diluted apple juice is the answer.
7.Turn off your phone during a show, especially when using it as a prop. Remember that your mother often rings during the evening.
8. Turn off your microphone before commenting on audiences intelligence at the end of the first half. Turn it on again at start of second half.
9. If using a school staffroom as a dressing room and tempted to draw pictures or write offensive/quasi funny words on the whiteboard during interval, delete them before departing. Also, leave the lollipop mans outfit alone.
10. If using a dressing room which doubles as a pre-school, do not fiddle with anything that looks like a childs piece of artwork, especially if fragile. Leaving money behind when you go home is insufficient compensation.
11. When performing Family Matters do not use a real condom as a prop. Whatever anyone says, condoms are unreliable because they fall out of your pocket, get stuck under your shoe and on your jumper and generally cause uncontrolled laughter.
12. The same can be said about the use of fairy lights as a prop, but no-one ever said they were reliable, did they?
13. Where black tabs hang at the rear of the stage mark the gap for entrances and exits with something that is visible in the dark. Do not hope for the best that you will find it. You wont.
14. Do not leave any equipment unattended in your car during a show not even for a moment, not anywhere, not even with senior police officers is in the audience. No, really. Whats that? Only one resolution? Crumbs! Thats difficult. Hardest to remember is number 8. Funniest on the day I didnt, number 11.
Happy New Year!
Ginny Davis is a writer and performer specialising in comedic one-woman shows on the subject of contemporary family life.